10:25 PM
6 Dead People Who Had It Coming
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1. Nothing turns me on like Thai lady boys and rope burns!
David Carradine is probably best known as the star of the 70s television series Kung Fu.
However, in Thailand it appears he was known as “that weird old dude that keeps wanting me to put his penis in a Windsor knot”. In June of 2009 Carradine was found dead in his hotel room of autoerotic asphyxiation. That is the ten-dollar term for: had a rope around his balls and neck in the form of a noose and hung himself from the bar in his closet.
The real question is: Did he look like a bitch?!!?
In the divorce proceedings from his 4th wife (Marina Anderson 98-01) she noted, "It was the continuation of abhorrent and deviant sexual behavior which was potentially deadly." Really? You mean your husband having you choke him while he rubbed peanut butter in his hair seemed a little odd to you? The worst part is that it took you three years of marriage to realize this was a bad idea! I think after the first Jacob’s ladder circle jerk most people would have gotten the picture….
Now just hold still while I ram my dick in there.
2. Alright now watch as I stick my finger up the bum of this Sting Ray. Oh Crikey!
Steve Irwin was known the world over for his daring stunts on the hit series The Crocodile Hunter. Basically, Steve (in an attempt to cover for his small penis) would attempt animal handling baddassery on an epic scale while the cameras rolled. You would imagine that the endless bites, and injuries he suffered while wrestling crocodiles and other ferocious beasts would have been enough to force a career change in even the most stubborn of men but then he wouldn’t have made our list would he?
Mutual of Omaha’s worst nightmare!
In September of 2006 Steve got the bright idea to go pissing off Giant Stingrays. It seems Mr. Irwin had them twisted with kittens in his mind and saw them as no real threat. Easy to see how you could confuse the two.
Here kitty kitty!
As it turns out kittens cannot stab you in the chest with their tail. Stingrays on the other hand…. Well at least they don’t cough up hairballs all over your furniture!
3. You say tomato I say ARGHHHH!!!
Aside from having the weirdest combination of hair and glasses ever J.I. Rodale was a huge proponent of organic gardening and went about the country extolling its virtues. So basically, he was the Al Gore of the hippie era with regards to organic gardening.
Don’t touch the hair. I finally have it Peeerrrrrfect!
Also, he apparently wasn’t a huge fan of Dick Cavett. In an appearance on The Dick Cavett show in June of 1971 he bragged that, "I'm going to live to be 100, unless I'm run down by some sugar-crazed taxi driver” due to the healthy diet he maintained eating organic vegetables exclusively. Haven’t we learned by now that God is definitely that kid in the playground who will take any dare? Why tempt fate? Shortly after the above statement was uttered Mr. Rodale slumped over in his chair and died of a massive coronary. Immediately following his death every hippie within an 80-mile radius went on and exclusive Easy Cheese and Sweet Tarts diet. If only American cinema could have been more timely this tragedy could have been avoided.
7 years too late to warn our cocky friend.
4. Would you like that #7 King Sized Sir?
King Adolf Frederick was the Louis Anderson of his generation. The glutton king ruled Sweden from 1751-1771 and was more or less a walking doormat during his reign. While well liked by almost everyone he was seen as a huge puss who could pushed around at will. Not to mention; completely devoid of talent. As my father would say, “Worthless as tits on a boar hog”. His list of accolades also included an insatiable appetite for damn near everything in sight.
And go easy on the guac my good man!
While enjoying an especially opulent spread in February of 1771 he decided it would be a simple grand idea to have fourteenths on dessert. Yes you read that correctly, 14 desserts after an already massive meal. The King’s meal consisted of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, kippers and champagne. This should be enough for even the portliest of patrons but that simply wasn’t good enough for Queen Frederick’s baby boy! Fourteen servings of semla later and he was tits up. Thus becoming a cautionary tale for the fat school children of Sweden for centuries.
Semla; serving up crack-cocaine deliciousness since 1771!
5. ….And the Cow jumped over the moon….
Li Bai was an 8th century Chinese poet who was one of the most influential thinkers of his time. Sadly that influence was likely as good as the one provided by Andrew Dice Clay to children. Bai, like any great writer/poet, was also an alcoholic and from the looks of his portrait quite the ladies man. One night apparently Bai had one too many rice whiskies and went for a float down the Yangtze River. Being the drunken liberal fruit that he was it would be this trip that proved to be his demise. He was so taken by the beauty of the reflection of the moon on the water that he attempted to “embrace” it. Cold, swiftly moving river? Check! Inebriated fatass liberal? Check! Lack of personal flotation device? Check! (Wait are we talking about Ted Kennedy here? I always heard that history repeats itself but…) Needless to say, as he attempted to give the moon an ass-out friend hug he toppled out of the boat and drown.
I firmly believe our portly poet was simply reaching for the 8th century equivalent of a Moon Pie. Who can blame him they're freaking delicious!
Hopefully it’s banana and not vanilla. We all know the vanilla ones suck!
6. Marine Biology or Why I gave up being a Hooters girl
Dawn Brancheau was an Orca handler at Sea World up until a few weeks ago. On that fateful day she put on her seal skin wetsuit and tied her hair up in a pony tail resembling a seal tail and sauntered happily off to work.
Hmmm. Tastes like stupid.
Let’s look at the facts here. The typical seals weigh between 110 -150 lbs. The typical physically fit woman weighs between 110-150 lbs. Orcas typically feast on seals and toss them about like rag dolls. Orcas are sharp witted, instinctive killing machines. Wait! Stop right there I’ve heard enough! Let’s throw the two in a tank together, charge admission and see what happens! If you are giving serious consideration to working with dangerous animals and the job doesn’t involve killing them; you are a moron. Wild animals are not pets. Given the chance they will slice you from neck to nuts and feast on your entrails. Would you enjoy being constantly caged and forced to jump through hoops for treats (believe me, I realize the sad parallel between this and my job)? The difference is we won’t be biting the hand that feeds us come the end of the day. Except for those damn postal employees….
Nom. Nom. Nom.
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